Tuxedo Mac ‘N Cheese

Tired of feeling like a piece of shit for eating boxed mac ‘n cheese twice a week? Think that your “secret” additive of sliced hot dogs is really pushing the creative boundaries? I’m here to dress up your boxed mac ‘n cheese so that you can finally feel some pride in your disgusting, greasy self.

• 2 boxes of mac ‘n cheese (plus whatever butter/milk the box calls for. Not reinventing the wheel here folks, try to stay with me.)
• Protein of your choice (steak, chicken, popcorn shrimp, or andouille sausage)
• Shredded cheese (cheddar, brie, pepper jack, mozz, etc)
• 4 slices of bacon (duh)
• Ground mustard powder (makes any cheese sauce waaaaaaay better)
• Garlic powder
• Salt
• Pepper
• Hot sauce (the acidity cuts the fat so you won’t feel as shitty as it makes you look)
• Bread crumbs, or mashed up crackers

1. Cook your protein. You need to let it rest before you dice it up and add it to the pot of (nearly) finished mac ‘n cheese at the end.
2. Salt some water and cook up your noodles. They will be on heat after you strain them, so just a bit of toughness in the noodle is good. It’ll cook out later.
3. While your noodles cook, fry up 4 slices of bacon. When done, finely dice. Keep the bacon grease. Never waste the bacon grease.
4. Strain your noodles and return them to the pot. Put the heat on low and add the box’s instructions (usually the milk and butter). Start stirring.
5. Add the bacon bits and bacon grease.
6. Add whatever cheese you could find in the fridge. Shred it up if possible.
7. Add a little salt
8. Add pepper
9. Add several dashes of hot sauce
10. Add mustard powder
11. Add a little garlic powder
12. Your tuxedo mac is starting to get dry. Add more milk. We aren’t saving the earth from cow farts today.
13. Add your diced protein. Keep the pieces small.
14. If your mac is too runny, add bread crumbs to thicken. If not, dust them on top.
15. Reevaluate why you just applied foundation, mascara, blush, eyeliner, and lipstick to this pig.
16. Eat like said pig.