Green Bean Casserole – Cheap. Easy. Forgettable.

If you’re reading this too close to Thanksgiving to adjust the dish you were assigned to cook, maybe you can save yourself before Christmas.

Besides winning the lottery with the “cranberry sauce in a can” dish, green bean casserole is the best way to coast under the radar with a solid dish that will save you money.

Skip shopping at Whole Foods. Go to Walmart for your ingredients. If your parents wanted you to be rich they would have been better at neglecting you emotionally while making up for it by giving you a credit card at age 16.

• 3 cans of cooked green beans. $2.28 total. French style are halved long-way. Gives the impression that you spent more than 4 minutes on your dish.
• 1 can of cream of mushroom soup. $1.38. If you don’t like mushrooms, grow up and develop a palate.
• 1/2 cup of milk. Steal from Mom’s fridge.
• One onion. Diced finely. $0.54.
• 1 tspn of soy sauce. Steal from Mom’s fridge.
• Salt.
• Pepper
• 1 pack of fried onions. $3.46. Don’t try and get cute with “homemade onion straws.” They will be gross and soggy and only you will be to blame.

Congrats, you spent $7.66 so that your family won’t think you are failing at basic human survival skills.

1. Saute the diced onions in any kind of oil. Have a drink.
2. Stir in the milk, soup, soy sauce, and green beans. Add salt and pepper to taste. More salt=more flavor. You aren’t paying for your Dad’s blood pressure medication, so err on the side of more. Have a drink.
3. Bake at 350 for 20-25 minutes. Give it a stir as you take it out. Have several drinks while it bakes.
4. Put all your fried onion straws on top of the casserole and bake till they are brown (5 min). Here is a hint: no one actually likes green beans. This is why we’ve doused them in cream sauce and are covering the very sight of them with deep-fried crunchy goodness. Have a drink.
5. Pull it out of the oven while complaining about how much work it was. Loudly contemplate upping your anti-anxiety medication. (This is key.)
6. Shift focus to Dad’s dry turkey breast. If you aren’t slurring your words yet, have another drink.
7. Dodge a question about your boyfriend/girlfriend/fertility/job/hobbies.
8. Slip slowly into madness.